The Greatest Idea in the History of Golf
I turned 33 and I’ve been thinking a great deal about my Dad.
In that respect I like to think of myself as like Jesus.
(In most other respects I’m like a white R. Kelly…although there is this really annoying respect in which I’m like a balding, unemployed Hugh Laurie…but that happens very rarely and only when I’m around hospitals.)
By the time he was my age, Dr. Anthony Fogg FRCS had been married to a beautiful woman for five years. He had an incredible, gifted, intelligent and soon-to-be-sexy son, and he was out at work saving lives every damn night.
In contrast, I think it’s been a big week if I run the dishwasher twice.
Now does that count as an achievement? Definitely. A personal milestone? Possibly. Deserving of Paternal weeping? Hard to go that far. The second load was just a rinse.
From this point on I’m trying a lot harder to make my Dad cry (with joy…the other kind happens one in three times he sees me).
Ways to impress my father and why I can’t do them:
1: Score a try for Wales:
I love all sport, on one condition: that it’s not Rugby. I would rather play netball than rugby. I’d rather play HANDball than rugby. Frankly, I’d rather play three rounds of “Let’s all scrabble around dirt-punching one another while Fogg curls up and protects his kidneys” than Rugby. At least that way we’d avoid all those pointless lineouts.
And remember, this is the opinion of a man who will watch and enjoy European ten pin Bowling Higlights (Wednesday 3.30AM Sky Sports3.)
2: Find a super-hot wife:
Until now all my girlfriends have been super-hot. I always exceed expectations in that department. Honestly, you’d be really surprised. I’m surprised. A lot of the time they’re surprised. So the super-hot part I’m good with.
But I have a very poor conversion rate. So far 5 super hot girlfriends, 0 super hot wives. I need to work on my finishing. (and by finishing I mean being an all-round better person/oral sex technique.)
3: Earn enough to support a family of my own:
I can’t get a real job because I’m special and different and the world needs to hear about it. (Mum said so.)
A SECOND LIST:
Ways to impress my father that I might achieve:
1: Lottery win passed off as sudden career success.
2: Thwart terrorist attack.
3: Change face of professional Golf.
All pretty achievable, so I thought I’d pick one at random to get started. Number 3 came up.
So for the last ten or twelve days I’ve been concentrating on changing the face of professional golf. And I’m happy to report it’s done. It over. Golf will never be the same again…thanks to me.
I’d explain how I’m going to do it but it’s probably easier if you just watch the material I’ve prepared.
Like many great innovators and iconoclasts before me I’ve chosen the medium of ‘party invite’ to launch this idea on the world because frankly, when you feel this idea hit your mind, the party’s already started.
So here it comes, sit back, prepare for the most incredible 65 seconds of your life and if your name happens to be Anthony John Blakely Fogg get ready to weep.
Incredible right? How did I do it? I have no idea. I’m trying to decide if there’s time to get it to the guys at Augusta National before this years Masters starts, because It just seems like such a shame to premier an idea of this size at the USPGA…I mean who watches the USPGA, right?
Fogg till you drop