If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wondering what I’ve been doing since 11.30 this morning…
Well here comes the answer…step back because this is HUGE.
I’ve been practising raising one eyebrow…that’s RIGHT! It takes time and effort to gain control of your own face, people…just ask Gary Lineker’s forehead.
Raising one eyebrow is the key to a world of comedic gold…it’s a free pass to effortless gentle sarcasm and endearing partial confusion. Once I’ve mastered this I’m going to have the career of a younger hotter Jack Black who met Bill Murray and learned everything he knew and lost four stone and married Zooey Deschanel and got a Krispy Kreme donut named after him.
Only one thing is now holding me back…and that thing is: I can’t do it.
No way. Tried it. Many times. Multiple efforts. Got nowhere. The left side of my face is just pathetic…it does whatever the right side tells it too…it’s so whipped it’s embarrassing.
I’m like: “come on you pussy, think for yourself, make a break, this is your time”
but he’s all like: “I’m not sure…what if I can’t do it…what if people stare at me…”
and I’m like: “BLAM! Take that you weak assed dick-bucket.”
And then I’m all like: “OW! I just punched myself in the temple…I feel woozy…perhaps I better lie down.”
Now I know for some of you it doesn’t seem like work is necessarily getting done, but for those of you who respect the comedic arts you’ll recognise serious endeavour when you hear about it.
Thing is, as always, I have found a way to please, even if it’s not the way you originally anticipated. (For those of you that know me, don’t panic…I’m wearing boxers this time.)
I knew how disappointed all you regular foggblogg readers (hi Josh) would feel when you heard about my eyebrow problems so using the power of my mind (and also a computer) I’ve mocked up what it would look like if I could raise one eyebrow. Feast your faces on this:
I imagine you’re feeling a little surprised, marginally impressed and slightly dismissive of my achievements…
Well keep it to yourselves, because those are the exact sensations I’m unable to facially convey…
I think I’ve done pretty well today, my parents would be proud…what am I talking about? My parents are proud…really proud; they won’t admit they fucked up raising me.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks to see which other facial expressions I’m unable to master…my bet? Humility, Contrition and Condolence will all be comfortably out of my grasp….but just when you’re on the point of thinking ‘this guy is unable to express anything facially,’ I will break out just about the best ‘Oh my God look at the size of those” you have ever seen.
Trust me…I practice.
Fogg the pain away